Real-Life Yoga Positions
Real-Life Yoga Positions
by Edmund X. DeJesus
After taking a few yoga classes, I realize that I've been doing yoga all my life without knowing it. Here are a few of my most commonly performed positions, which I contribute for anyone's use.
Returning Shopper
1. Stand in front of locked back door with 2 full grocery bags hanging from each hand.
2. Extend forward from waist and attempt to insert key in lock.
3. Drop key on steps.
4. Balancing on left leg, extend right leg behind you and bend forward.
5. Reach for dropped key with left hand.
6. Accidentally loop handle of right grocery bag over doorknob. This should pin you in Inverted Stork position.
7. Hold position until curious neighbor investigates piteous moaning.
Stubbed Toe
Preparation: Position large and heavy object, such as a suitcase or a chair, in an unusual place in your bedroom.
1. Rise from bed in the middle of the night.
2. Strike object smartly with toe of left foot.
3. Raise left foot to waist level, grabbing injured toe with both hands.
Note: Advanced practitioners may hop on right foot.
4. Stifle cries of pain so as not to awaken sleeping spouse.
5. Collide with bureau.
6. Recline back into bed.
7. Repeat.
Manly Standing
1. Stand beside another man who is taller and more muscular than you are.
2. Wait for a woman to walk by.
3. Pull shoulders back sharply and thrust chest outwards.
4. Hold until woman passes.
5. Release.
Hovering Throne
1. Enter bathroom and begin sitting on toilet.
2. Halfway down, realize that the seat is up and you?re about to sit on the rim.
3. Hold position.
4. Keep holding.
5. Keep holding...
Dropped Pencil
1. Seated at your desk, drop pencil onto floor. (A pen may be substituted.)
2. Bend forward from waist.
3. Reach for pencil with right hand and miss.
4. Reach for pencil with left hand and miss.
5. Bend so that your head is completely under desk.
6. Successfully retrieve pencil.
7. Straighten up, smacking back of head smartly on underside of desk.
8. Drop pencil.
9. Repeat steps 2-8
Dancing Kitten
1. Stand barefoot at edge of carpet on which you?re not aware there are cat toys.
2. Extend left foot and step smartly onto cat toy.
3. Yank left knee to chin.
4. Extend right foot and step smartly onto another cat toy.
5. Yank right knee to chin.
6. Alternate left and right feet until you cross carpet.
by Edmund X. DeJesus
After taking a few yoga classes, I realize that I've been doing yoga all my life without knowing it. Here are a few of my most commonly performed positions, which I contribute for anyone's use.
Returning Shopper
1. Stand in front of locked back door with 2 full grocery bags hanging from each hand.
2. Extend forward from waist and attempt to insert key in lock.
3. Drop key on steps.
4. Balancing on left leg, extend right leg behind you and bend forward.
5. Reach for dropped key with left hand.
6. Accidentally loop handle of right grocery bag over doorknob. This should pin you in Inverted Stork position.
7. Hold position until curious neighbor investigates piteous moaning.
Stubbed Toe
Preparation: Position large and heavy object, such as a suitcase or a chair, in an unusual place in your bedroom.
1. Rise from bed in the middle of the night.
2. Strike object smartly with toe of left foot.
3. Raise left foot to waist level, grabbing injured toe with both hands.
Note: Advanced practitioners may hop on right foot.
4. Stifle cries of pain so as not to awaken sleeping spouse.
5. Collide with bureau.
6. Recline back into bed.
7. Repeat.
Manly Standing
1. Stand beside another man who is taller and more muscular than you are.
2. Wait for a woman to walk by.
3. Pull shoulders back sharply and thrust chest outwards.
4. Hold until woman passes.
5. Release.
Hovering Throne
1. Enter bathroom and begin sitting on toilet.
2. Halfway down, realize that the seat is up and you?re about to sit on the rim.
3. Hold position.
4. Keep holding.
5. Keep holding...
Dropped Pencil
1. Seated at your desk, drop pencil onto floor. (A pen may be substituted.)
2. Bend forward from waist.
3. Reach for pencil with right hand and miss.
4. Reach for pencil with left hand and miss.
5. Bend so that your head is completely under desk.
6. Successfully retrieve pencil.
7. Straighten up, smacking back of head smartly on underside of desk.
8. Drop pencil.
9. Repeat steps 2-8
Dancing Kitten
1. Stand barefoot at edge of carpet on which you?re not aware there are cat toys.
2. Extend left foot and step smartly onto cat toy.
3. Yank left knee to chin.
4. Extend right foot and step smartly onto another cat toy.
5. Yank right knee to chin.
6. Alternate left and right feet until you cross carpet.
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